A conversation with God.
An dialogue of prayer.
From time to time in my devotional practice, I write out a dialogue of prayer with God. It’s a chance for me to hear the things I need to hear unfiltered and raw. It is a vehicle to the truth. It is also a way for me to connect with God’s active presence in me. This is, after all, a core belief of the Christian.
Through writing the truth does not come from someplace above—that’s too dualistic for me. The truth— eternal love (God)— is hidden within the chambers of my longing heart that have been long silenced by the mind of my constructed and distracted self telling me what I want to hear. Writing out my prayers is like charting a map of love toward God. This form of prayer reminds me that heaven and earth are not far away, but interwoven through my human experience in all its messiness.
This is personal and my desire is to offer up this practice for those learning to pray and contemplate God more honestly and deeply.
Me: I am here. waiting. Where are you?
God: Here I AM, John. I want you to know that it’s OK. I know you are broken, misguided, prone to place your trust in temporal things. And I know all the tricks you pull to hide it. I know it all, for I am truth. Sorry, was that too much too soon?
It might surprise you, but this broken you is the “you” I want to love. Accepting your broken reality is freedom I want you to experience. It is truth. It’s OK to admit you don’t have it together, whatever “it” may be. It’s OK to be honest about how your constructed self is an illusion. I know it hurts to see that everything is broken. But this is the good place to be. It creates the needed contrast to see me with clarity. This is the detailed terrain of your life that I am making new. This is the place where your wounds can meet me through my eternal and transforming presence. From this place I send you with your wounds into the world to heal.
My love and presence is such that in the ashes of your life, I move you closer toward me so you can grow into the person I created you to be. Your life is a journey from good to good and the terrain is your heart. I proclaimed you as “good” creation and although you broke trust with me as the source of your flourishing, in your undoing and through my intervention into your life, you are returning to “good”, returning to love. Returning to me, the source of your flourishing.
Remember, you are my beloved and upon you my favour rests. Wait for a moment and recognize my presence with you in the room in which you type. I am here. Remember that word, “here”? The sacred word you chose to corral your mind into your heart so that you can connect your body with the reality of my presence with you? Breath and say the word and you will see me. I am here in the truth of your unravelling.
Me: I want to feel you Lord. I want you to be near. I long for constant union with you.
I want to clear my heart from all distractions. When I try to contemplate you, I begin to see how cluttered my heart really is. It’s hard to live with a divided heart and I know that no object held up in place of you ever satisfies. It’s a desert of crumbling monuments that promises to tap my yearning, but fails miserably. Yet you are latent there, under the cracked foundations of shiny idols, behind the longings for approval, recognition, security, success, your love waits, yearns, and I believe, longs to be longed for. Your love waits for me even as I long for you in misplaced things. You wait even when I refuse to realize that what I want—that all I need—is you. You are hidden in my fear.
God: Yes, my child. Remember that my love won’t take hold of you and fix you in a managerial way, otherwise I would be controlling, possessive, coercive. This is the way of the world, not love. My love is upside down to the worldly way of control. Even though it pains me to see you suffer, to see you sometimes run down destructive roads, I let you come to the end of yourself so that you can genuinely choose me as the cure to your desperation. In that moment of great need, when the unravelling stops and all that is left is a broken spirit that is tired from trying over and over to build some kingdom of your own, I AM HERE.
Me: This is difficult to train my lifestyle around. But when we do connect, to my surprise, you do not gloat or pronounce the judgement I deserve for breaking trust and wreaking havoc. To my surprise, you do not condemn me. To my astonishment you embrace and console me, touching my longing heart with everything I ever imagined love would be. You turn fear into comfort and hold the tears of distress as your own. The greatest truth that I know in my head but have a hard time embracing with my life is this: the encounter with you at this place of desolation is the act of new creation in me. Help me believe in a way that empowers me to walk in this truth.
God: In your desperate moment, remember my truth over you which is the same truth I spoke over my son, Jesus, at his baptism: You are my beloved child and my favour is upon you. Rise from the dead and step forward with me into the new day. This is the needed encounter that changes the trajectory of your life—that sets you firmly into the community of healing that I am building as a vital part. Outcomes may vary, everything will not go as you expect, but I AM with you as I renew not only your life, but also the world. I am making all things new. This is all that matters.
Me: This is pure and undeserving grace. This is the encounter that transforms me. This is the encounter that sends me into the world not as an isolated “I” but as a part of the community where I can meet the other and find you there too.
But I know how this goes, Lord. Because it is so good—I want to take that encounter and replicate it. I also want to keep it personal, too individual. I want to set up a formula for how everyone can encounter you. But that feels wrong. I am beginning to see how this impulse is the first step in wandering again. It’s a subtle impulse to take control again. I hate that! It is my way of trying to control even the experience of you, subtly putting me over and above you in the process.
Forgive me.
God: I will not be contained, for I AM eternal presence above the grasp and control of every human effort. I am the wild and free GOD who set every star in place and measured out the depths of the universe. You are forgiven.
Me: Lead me in your way everlasting. May I walk with humility in union with you all the days of my life.
Amen.